Procol Harum

Beyond
the Pale

Christmas Conundrums

Unwound !

Over the twelve days of Christmas you selected twelve letters corresponding to the true statements on our lists of mostly-false statements about the various Procol Harum songs. Re-arranging those twelve letters gave the title of a well-known Procol Harum song (Conquistador) and you then had to mail the last word of that song (appropriately enough, 'unwind') to 'Beyond the Pale' ... simple really!

Or you could just have waited and solved the last puzzle, then looked for the only twelve-letter song-title with 'Q' in it ... but it's easy to say that after the event, innit?

Congratulations to the nine winners, and commiserations to those whose answers had to be filed under 'differently correct' including one or two who just sent the song-title. Commiserations also to one competitor whose e-mail fell foul of demons, and to another whose anatomy fell foul of a barbecue-fork.

Particular thanks to those many (winners and non-winners) who took the trouble to write in saying they'd enjoyed the fun or even found it ingenious ... to know that there were people nightly laughing out loud on three continents, and one actually in hysterics ... was ample repayment for the effort of compiling and administering the quizzes, and corralling the prizes.

We hope you enjoy one last look here at the questions and solutions ... then there are only 353 days or so to wait before it all starts again.

Day One
A	Conquistador: the song was rejected by the Beach Boys because they got it wet while surfing and couldn't read all the words	Difficult to find even of sense one grain in this
B	She Wandered Through the Garden Fence: the song literally reports Marianne Faithfull's conduct at Gary's wedding (Marianne modelled for the first album cover)	Does it look like her? To say nothing of the fact that the Brookers weren't married when the song was released
C	Something Following Me: widely regarded as the first Brooker / Reid collaboration, this number was in fact written on trombone by Denny Cordell at a Paramounts sound-check	What would Cordell be doing at a Paramounts soundcheck? What would a trombone be doing at a Paramounts soundcheck?
D	Mabel: a 'Mabel' in British slang is a device for spreading onion-stains evenly across a lace table-cloth: hence the last line of the chorus	If you believe this you must have a rather skewed idea of British table-manners
E	Cerdes (Outside the Gates of): In Geoffrey of Monmouth's History of the Kings of England Cerdes is the mythical ruler of Southend	Keith has said that he invented Cerdes; and there's no reason to believe that Geoffrey's mammoth task touched on Southend
F	A Christmas Camel: Charles Dickens has a character called Mr Brooker in his novel entitled 'A Christmas Carol'	In fact 'Mr Brooker' occurs in Dickens's Nicholas Nickleby (ultra-completists may order this from amazon.com)
G	Kaleidoscope: this song may be heard over the closing titles of the Warren Beatty film Unite for One Brief Scene made in 1967 with Jean Shrimpton, Lucrezia Borgia, and Carmina Burana	Lucrezia Borgia lived somewhat before the time of the movies; and Carmina Burana is the name of a piece of music, not a person
H	Salad Days (Are Here Again): in British boarding-schools there are particular days when the children are obliged to eat only lettuce, and Keith Reid's birthday falls on one of these.	Nonsense. Lettuce is scarce in October
I	Good Captain Clack: the UK single featured a gong beat before the organ solo, which cannot be heard on the album version.	True
J	Repent Walpurgis: Matthew Fisher derived the five chords of this masterpiece from a Chiffons number entitled Buggin'.	It wasn't the Chiffons, and it was Beggin' not Buggin'
Clue of the day takes you here, where a quick search on 'gong' confirms the truth of statement I
Day Two
M	Quite Rightly So: this song started life as a fan-letter written by Keith Reid to Donovan, on hearing his hit Mellow Yellow for the first time.	The letter was written to Essra Mohawk: don't be fooled by the whispered refrain of 'Quite Rightly' in the Donovan song.
N	Shine on Brightly: there's only one other title-track to be found on Side One Track Two of the proper PH album releases	True. Broken Barricades is the other
O	Skip Softly (My Moonbeams): 'make love to the wall' is the name of a children's skipping-game famous in all the Choir Schools along the Mile End Road.	If you believe this you have a curious notion of the kinds of schools on the Mile End Road, and of what British school-children get up to with their skipping ropes
P	Wish Me Well: like all the Procol songs whose titles start with 'W', this track has no drums on it.	Like Whaling Stories ... ?
Q	Rambling On: Keith and Gary belonged to a Rambling Club and spent many happy days trekking up hill and down dale in the company of other rock and roll greats of the time such as Frank Zappa, Liam Gallagher and Elvis.	Liam is a wee bit young to have been rambling in this company in 1968
R	Magdalene (My Regal Zonophone): the original words were 'Mandolin by Robert Zimmerman', since Dylan can clearly be heard playing on this track. It was changed at the insistence of Dylan's record label	Only the most advanced conspiracy-paranoids credit any of this sort of thing
S	Glimpses of Nirvana: Guy Stephens introduced Brooker to Reid, and 'Nirvana' was the name of his pet boa-constrictor	I think you're thinking of the supposed cat who gave his name to the band, and whose existence remains to be verified
T	'Twas Teatime at the Circus: this was recorded live at the Rolling Stones' Rock and Roll Circus: the voice that says 'though some might not agree' is Bill Wyman, of course	Not it wasn't, no it isn't
U	In the Autumn of My Madness: Fisher wrote these words one Spring in the Summer-house at Wintershall: hence the title.	Fisher didn't write the words anywhere ...
V	Look to your Soul: the words of this track became a Christmas number one for Aretha Franklin, to the tune of Auld Lang Syne	If you're thinking of that wretched Cliff Richard novelty versdion of The Lord's Prayer, it was knocked off #1 before Christmas, thank God
W	Grand Finale: the start of this tune was adapted by Matthew Fisher from a minuet by Händel.	Sounds right, if you can't tell your Haydn from your Händel
Clue of the day took you here, where statement W was contradicted, in case it was distracting you from N, the obviously-right answer
Day Three
A	A Salty Dog: Gary would later draw attention to the similarity between the instrumental break in this song and Something Wonderful from Rodgers and Hammerstein's The King and I.	True, at the Barbican 1999; though he actually referred to Bernstein, not Hammerstein, which is why we originally had an error in this clue ourselves (thanks, Richard)
B	The Milk of Human Kindness: this gentle waltz uses the first acoustic guitar to be heard on any Procol album.	It ain't a waltz! And you heard acoustic guitar on In The Autumn of my Madness anyway
C	Too Much Between Us: the final notes of this song are based on the sound made by a Swiss train-siren passing	That story goes with the start of A Salty Dog
D	The Devil Came from Kansas: this song was originally played by the band Toto, whose name is shared with the dog in The Wizard of Oz, whose owner comes from Kansas	Twaddle
E	Boredom: so called because it uses only one chord	Isn't that Well I? Boredom has numerous chords
F	Juicy John Pink: despite rumours to the contrary, this track on the Salty Dog album was taped live at Monterey where Procol Harum played under the name 'Jimi Hendrix' to help King Jimi out of a contractual obligation (several of the band were related to him by cousin marriages)	This statement has an evident truth-value of zero in anyone's money
G	The Wreck of the Hesperus: this song quotes word-for-word from the start of Longfellow's poem which opens, 'It was the schooner Hesperus that sailed the wintry sea'.	If this were true, Matthew would be singing those very words. He isn't.
H	All This and More: this song was taped by the Icelandic theologian Culme Maddox at the deserted lighthouse where he lived, in order to get the vocal sound the band required for verse three	It may sound as though verse three was taped in a lighthouse, but it wasn't, and it wouldn't have been an uninhabited one if there had been musicians in it
I	Crucifiction Lane: these are the words that originally went with the tune of A Whiter Shade of Pale, whose lyric was originally destined for the tune of Perpetual Motion, whose text formed part of the lost Procol instrumental, Porky Pork Pork, from 1968	Porky: Cockney rhyming slang: Porky Pies = lies
J	Pilgrim's Progress: underneath 'set my foot upon the nearest road' you can just hear electric guitar, overdubbed straight to the one-inch master by an uncredited Peter Sinfield	You can certainly hear the guitar, but it stretches credulity to bring 21st Century Schizoid Pete into it.
Clue of the day took you here, where paragraph three confirms that statement A is the one to vote for
Day Four
L	Whisky Train: like Ghost Train and Last Train to Niagara, the meaning of this song depends on psychiatrists' slang, in which 'train' means 'a morbid denial that the past was ever real'.	No. Train here refers to locomotive, rolling-stock and so forth
M	The Dead Man's Dream: this song is based on the events in the film Midnight Mushrumps and it went on to inspire Andrew Lloyd-Webber to write Evita, Chess, and The Taming of the Shrew	Wasn't Chess by the bearded contingent from Abba?
N	Still There'll be More: this title is now the motto of the company that supplies the urine-resistant house-paint used in many of Britain's troubled inner-city developments.	Probable? I think not.
O	Nothing that I Didn't Know: the melody is based on a Scottish lament Gary heard in his father's band, which was a bagpipe ensemble	Harry Brooker's band were Hawaiian Serenaders. Ethnomusicologists have searched in vain for evidence of Highland Pipers in Hawaii.
P	About to Die: gladiators going to their deaths in Rome's Coliseum used to sing this before the lions were unleashed on them.	Not so: the song hadn't been written then
Q	Barnyard Story: this was the first song ever broadcast on BBC Radio Whoosh! when the station opened in 1967	No such station, for starters
R	Piggy Pig Pig: before this song got its mysterious title it was referred to by its opening words, 'Wash Yourself '	True
S	Whaling Stories: on the Edmonton album you can hear that the band are merely miming to the Home track, while the Symphony Orchestra play over the top.	Trust your common-sense, if not your ears, as you re-listen to that great Edmonton arrangement
T	Your Own Choice: uncredited assistance on this track comes from Larry Grayson who plays the harmonica solo	Larry Adler is your man. Larry Grayson was a limp-wristed British entertainer of yore
Clue of the day, here, takes you direct to a page referring to Larry Adler, in case you were disposed to doubt the truth of statement R (incidentally confirmed here)
Day Five
J	Simple Sister: the repeated sound in the long central development section of this track is generated by mechanically-strummed instruments also used by McCartney on the Imagine album	McCartney was not a big collaborator with Lennon at the time of Imagine
K	Broken Barricades: recorded in Barbados : hence the name	Is there any sense in this at all?
L	Memorial Drive: the initials 'MD' of this song make the number '1500' in Roman numerals, and that is the speed of the click-track in beats per millisecond	1500 beats per millisecond would be a tad rapid, don't you think?
M	Luskus Delph: the title is a corruption of 'Los Ques del P.H.', the name given to a selection box of quality sugared almonds available in the bazaars of Rio de Janeiro in the mid-70s	It would be great if this were true, and if 'Los Ques' had any meaning
N	Power Failure: the voice that bellows 'Rubbish' after the drum solo may also be heard after The Worm and the Tree if you leave the Something Magic CD to play long enough after the music has finished	However long you play TwaTT you won't hear such a bellow. Not from the CD at any rate :-)
O	Song for a Dreamer: Trower and Reid synchronistically came up with the idea of this 'Hendrixy' tribute while writing in separate rooms	True
P	Playmate of the Mouth: this is name of a well-known pornographic magazine in Saudi Arabia in which plaster-casts of British rock musicians were frequently featured.	In Saudi? Get real ...
Q	Poor Mohammed: 'Mohammed' was the name of Guy Stephens's pedigree mongoose, which was also 'poor' because he fed it on new-mown sand	No, it was not
Clue of the day was here, where you could search for 'Hendrixy' to confirm the truth of statement O
Day Six
O	Grand Hotel: this song was originally written about touring the mid-West: its title, Bland Motel, was altered at the insistence of the bosses of Chrysalis	Tish! The title was in place before anything else
P	Toujours l'Amour is not only French for 'love forever'; the same sounds also signify 'chicken fat' in the Armenian dialect of Mescalito.	Theoretically possible, if there were such a dialect. Mescalito has enough to answer for, without that too
Q	A Rum Tale: the only Procol Harum song to mention Jamaica	It doesn't. Butterfly Boys does
R	TV Ceasar: this song was banned by the BBC, who thought the 'TV' was something to do with transvestism	No, it was Souvenir that was banned, for its VD references
S	A Souvenir of London: this is pinched from a Danish song called 'Souvenir of Malmo' by the singer Frede Fup.	Other way round
T	Bringing Home the Bacon: with Piggy Pig Pig and Backgammon this piece was presented at Charterhouse School in 1998 by the Godalming Butchers' Brass Band with Gary guesting on toy trumpet	Gary did indeed play toy trumpet there; but any connection with Procol's Butcher-Trilogy is sheer fantasy
U	Fires (Which Burnt Brightly): not the only Procol Harum recording to feature a female voice!	True: think of Grand Finale, Holding On ...
V	Robert's Box: the Pahene recorder ensemble play on this song; Pahene, in Sweden, is the twin town of Southend-on-Sea	No recorders credited on this track; nor is the rest of the proposition at all sound.
Clue of the day led here, where you can search for 'we needed some girls', to confirm statement U as being the true one
Day Seven
A	Nothing But The Truth: at the start of this track you can hear Gary Brooker ask producer Chris Thomas, 'Is it on, Tommy?'	No, that's Mick Grabham, as it says on his page
B	Beyond The Pale: written in honour of the well-known website of the same name	Sadly it's the other way round
C	As Strong As Samson: unusually, a Procol song that appears on a single and an album, but with different titles	True
D	The Idol: the idol in question, who had saved the band before but will not now rejoin them, is Robin Trower who ironically enough accompanies this song by bashing two hammers together.	Nice idea, but quite untrue. It's BJ who uses hammers on this album, by the way.
E	The Thin End Of The Wedge: this title is Cockney rhyming slang for 'veg' (vegetables), and dates from a time when side two of the album was known as The Vitamin Suite and dealt with issues about healthy eating and tissue regeneration	Don't fall for this in any way
F	Monsieur R Monde: this was the name of Guy Stephens's pedigree stick insect, which toured with the band at all times and became an accredited member of the group	Alarming and silly suggestion
G	Fresh Fruit: the whistling on this track is provided by the uncredited Alfred Adler, founder of the School of Individual Psychology	No, and he's no relation to Larry Adler as far as we know
H	Butterfly Boys: originally 'Government Boys', the title and words were changed at the insistence of Chris Wright and Terry Ellis, bosses at Chrysalis records.	Other way round, I'm afraid
I	New Lamps For Old: the band were sued for using the words 'unique entertainment' in this song: as luck would have it an identical song had been written the day before by Jorge Luis Borges.	Borges has a great story about someone inadvertently writing Cervantes's Don Quixote again from scratch. None of the rest is true of course
Clue of the day led here, where the ninth illustration shows that statement C is the diamond amid the dross
Day Eight
N	Pandora's Box: Pandora is classical mythology's equivalent to Eve, who supposedly unleashes evil into the world; it was also the name of Guy Stephens's pedigree tadpole	It's very, very difficult, even for professional genealogists, to establish pedigrees for tadpoles
O	Fool's Gold: the distinctive piano-sound here was achieved by miking the Steinway's soundboard with 5-gramme iron pyrites moving-core 5 LX's: iron pyrites is also known as 'fool's gold'	Pompous techno-babbling bilge
P	Taking the Time: an ingenious wordplay on the catchphrase of the album's producer Kozmo O'Rourke, which was 'timing the take'	Kozmo O'Rourke would have to be a pseudonym of Lieber and Stoller, wouldn't it?
Q	The Unquiet Zone: the unquiet zone in a 70s studio was the 'dead' area where roadies were confined during a take so that they would not be disturbed by the music.	Then why isn't it called the Quiet Zone?
R	The Final Thrust: this was originally the title-track of the previous album, but it was re-named to avoid a commercial show-down with the Genesis masterpiece, Jive Talkin'	Difficult to find a single shred of sense in this
S	I Keep Forgetting: the first non-original track to appear on a Procol Harum record, this was written for Procol by producers Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller, at Brooker and Reid's request	A bit true here and there, but it wasn't written at Brooker and Reid's request
T	Without a Doubt: at one time this was destined to be a single for Procol, and it was formerly known as 'The Poet'	True, as mentioned at numerous gigs at the time
U	The Piper's Tune: all the instruments on this track are played by BJ Wilson, except the drums, which were played by the rest of the band simultaneously, all sitting on one chair, their arms and legs lashed together with strands of seaweed.	Not so, since this would have contravened the Seaweed and Kelp (Musical Abuses thereof) Act of 1323
V	Typewriter Torment: at one time this was destined to be a single for Procol, and it was formerly known as 'The Poet'	True, but not of this song
W	Eight Days a Week: the only Procol Harum song to be covered on disc by the Beatles	Vice versa
Clue of the day, here, bluntly proclaims the veracity of statement T
Day Nine
D	Something Magic: listen closely and you will notice that each verse of this song is played in a different key	True
E	Skating on Thin Ice: the only Procol Harum song ever recorded with music written by Mick Grabham	No, that's The Mark of the Claw
F	Wizard Man: this curious little song was Procol's only 45 rpm release on Chrysalis to have an instrumental on the B-side	Not so: think of Albinoni / Blue Danube
G	The Mark of the Claw: this was a last-minute addition to the album and its name is missing from most of the pressings of the cover	No, that's Wizard Man
H	Strangers in Space: this song features the only orchestration Chris Copping ever did for the band	No, that's Skating on Thin Ice
I	The Worm and the Tree: this was the band's second attempt at a long suite of songs, though it was not as well-received as the first one, off the Salty Dog album	The first long suite of songs was not on the Salty Dog album
The last picture on our clue of the day page, here, tells you that F isn't true, so you're left with D, whose truth you can confirm simply by listening to the song
Day Ten
J	The Truth Won't Fade Away: only Procol song to use the word 'truth'.	Except Nothing but the Truth ...
K	Holding On: one of the rare Brooker / Fisher / Reid songs where the music came before the words.	True, except that Fisher ain't a collaborator on this one
L	Man with a Mission: this song was banned by Kansas's X-PURE 107.5 FM who thought Gary was singing about a Man with Emission	They didn't ban it, chiefly because they don't exist
M	(You Can't) Turn Back the Page: this song was banned by Trading Standards officials in Germany who complained that you can in fact turn back the page.	Unworthy!
N	One More Time: Trower's only lead vocal on record with the band since 1970	It's not Trower singing
O	A Dream in Ev'ry Home: despite the utterly different sense, this was sung as 'A dream without a home' in some mixes of the song	True
P	The Hand that Rocks the Cradle: played backwards, this is the same track as Mabel.	Try it!
Q	The King of Hearts: named after the character in Alice in Wonderland who 'made some tarts'	That was the Queen of Hearts
R	All Our Dreams are Sold: this is a misprint for 'All our Derams are Solid' and it was the first lyric Reid ever wrote	Self-evident garbage
S	Perpetual Motion: if you leave the vinyl 45 rpm single of this on your turntable it will literally play for ever	We were unable to find a vinyl 45 rpm single of this track to test. So were you.
T	Learn to Fly: on a little-known angling video Gary Brooker recites the instructions 'Learn to Fly-Fish' over this backing track	Nice pun, but otherwise not a ripple of worth in the statement
U	The Pursuit of Happiness: only track Procol ever recorded on which every sound is generated by synthesisers	Even the voice? Not yet ...
Clue of the took you here, where the truth of statement O was spelt out
Day Eleven
M	A Whiter Shade of Pale: the reason why so many Procol songs are so gloomy is that the band were fed up that this song never made it into the charts anywhere in the world	Actually AWSoP was one of the band's bigger hits
N	Alpha: this early song is named after the last letter of the Hebrew alphabet	First letter, Greek alphabet ... otherwise, nice try
O	Backgammon: written as the theme tune for a Canadian TV mini-series about boardgames, this tune was originally entitled 'Mah Jong'.	Nonsense, not least since Mah Jong isn't a boardgame in any normal sense of the word
P	Drunk Again: the initial letters of the words in the chorus spell out the title, D-R-U-N-K-A-G-A-I-N (except in the Italian version, of course)	Palpably false
Q	Homburg: name of a city on the River Elbe in Northern Germany	Isn't that Hamburg?
R	In the Wee Small Hours of Sixpence: words translated from the song 'Aux très p'tites heures de six centimes' which was popular with the galants during the French Revolution.	This might look faintly plausible, but what reason is there to assume that KR ever needed inspiration of this sort?
S	Into the Flood: this might seem to be related to the Trower / Reid song Into the Flames; but a far closer relation is Trower / Reid's Gone Too Far, which shares more than half its words with Into the Flood.	True
T	Lime Street Blues: named after a town in Southern England notorious for its red light district and China Clay industry	Lime Street is in Liverpool, but that's not in the South ...
U	Long Gone Geek: the title is an anagram of 'Keen one goggle'	True only if you can't count how many e's there are in it
V	McGreggor: the name comes from the band's first manager, who had been an artillery instructor in the 43rd Wessex Div. Dist. During the Australian and North African campaigns of the Second World War	Check this with your nearest Aussie historian
W	Seem to Have the Blues (Most all the Time): this track is simply an earlier version of Monsieur R Monde from Exotic Birds and Fruit	No, that's Monsieur Armand!
Clue of the day took you here where the phrase 'recycled words' linked to a confirmation that S was the right answer
Day Twelve
I	A La Carte: the cart in question was towed through the streets during the Stoke Poges carnival, peopled by convincing waxworks of the band, which threw the local people into a superstitious panic.	Unless carte means 'menu' in some strange tongue?
J	A Real Attitude: this unreleased Prodigal Stranger out-take was played live at Guildford 1998 as a duet between Gary Brooker, Matthew Fisher, and Robin Trower.	Half-true, though Trower and Fisher were not present. Had they been playing too, it would not have been a duet
K	A Robe of Silk: this was included as a hidden track on some pressings of Home: your stylus had to hit on the right spiral groove in order to hear it.	Sadly not true. The double-spiral gambit was used on one of the Monty Python albums, however
L	Fish Dinner for Two: the text for this song is a translation (into Portuguese) of The Sermon on the Mount from the Book of Revelations.	For a start, the Sermon on the Mount ain't in the Book of Revelations ...
M	I'm a Reader and a Writer: only Brooker / Reid tune to have been covered (as of December 1999) by the Spice Girls.	Tosh.
N	Last Train to Niagara: this live 90s favourite is simply the Monkees' hit Last Train to Clarksville overlaid with the tumult of cascading water	Though such a tumult would greatly improve the Fake Four's offering, it would still bear scant relation to this latter-day PH epic
O	Musical Fish: named after a restaurant in Osaka, Japan, where Brooker and friends were surprised to encounter eleven singing halibuts.	The singing halibut is a breed unknown to scientists even in Osaka, Japan
P	One Eye on the Future: like Alpha, the band's other one-eyed song, this track will cure short-sightedness if played at deafening volume.	Don't try this at home
Q	Sayonara was Keith Reid's spoken track, recorded for, then cut from, the Grand Hotel album, based on a tombstone-inscription reported to Procol Harum by Gary Brooker's mum.	True, according to GB on the 'phone to RC in October 1999
R	So Far Behind: original title of the painting by Jakob Bogdani that was commissioned for 'Diaspora' the 1978 follow-up album to Something Magic, that was never finished	Bogdani's illustration for the Exotic Birds album wasn't a commission ... and none of the rest of this is even faintly true, unhappily
S	Stoke Poges: this was actually the name of Guy Stephens's left knee. The other one was called Obie Clayton.	Surely this idiotic running gag has run far enough?
T	This Old Dog: The dog in question was a St Bernard named 'Christianne' who befriended the band while they were filming the ski sequences in the film Help!	Some confusion here with the Beatles, perhaps?
U	Well I ...: a beautiful version of this number is sung by Art Garfunkel in the movie of Watership Down.	No, that's Bright Eyes by the lovely Mike Batt. Well I is sometimes listed as Bright Eye but that's where the story ends
V	You Better Wait: played live by Procol Harum in Aylesbury, 27 March 1986 in tribute to their departing lighting-supervisor, whose name was Steve	All completely true except for the number '8': it was 1976. PH didn't play anywhere in the 1980s, alas
Clue of the day took you here where you could find a link on the word 'Sayonara' that led to an article where the truth of statement Q was revealed.

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